Bachelor Recap 1.21.13

The first date card comes in and the lucky lady that gets the one-on-one date is Lesley M. She throws on her old christening gown and heads to the Hollywood Guinness Book of World Records museum with Sean.

Sean tells Lesley M that they are going to attempt to break the world record for longest on-screen kiss. Time to beat: 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Surely ABC won’t show the entire kiss. Surely, the producers understand that no one wants to watch people kiss for three minutes straight. False, they do show it. And it’s boring, and I can see Lesley M’s vagina, and she doesn’t even care, and it’s like, HEY, LESLEY M, READJUST YOUR GOD DAMN BABY GOWN.

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After Chris Harrison is done getting off to the site of Lesley M’s butt cheeks, Lesley M and Sean go on top of a roof for some private time. Lesley M claims this is the best day of her life sooo she has obviously never done anything that even remotely resembles fun. They’re talking, they’re talking… and then Lesley M leans in 100% of the way and initiates their first real kiss. Consequently, Sean’s testicles fall off into an icy abyss and get buried under 600 ft. of snow due to an avalanche caused by the very impact of the balls themselves. He goes down to forage any remains but they’ve already turned black from frostbite and unavoidable shame. There is nothing left for him to do but give Lesley M the rose. Queue confetti.

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Next is the group date with 12 ladies competing for Sean’s sweat laden abs through the form of a volleyball game. The winning team gets to go on a second part of the date and the losing team gets to pound sand.  How do you make a 25-year-old woman cry? Tell her she’s not allowed to hang out with 5 other women and a strange man. STFU Kristy.

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The second part of the date is just a cocktail party and the winning team includes Kacie “frizz-head” B, Amanda “Bruja” Meyer, Wedding dress Lindsay, Desiree “Dezmond” Hartsock, Jackie “Who?” Parr, and Sarah “One Arm” Herron. While Amanda is off talking to Sean, Dezmond calls her creepy and Kacie B plots to rat them out, ultimately acting as a catalyst of her own demise. Kacie B pulls Sean away to attempt to bring down Amanda and Desiree thus initiating the most uncomfortable, embarrassing, bizarre, awkward, pointless conversation in Bachelor history:

“I feel like I’m being punched in the face, Um, I don’t feel like its my place, but at the same time, it’s gonna come between us if I don’t tell you something… um… I’ve been caught between a rock and a hard spot in the house, and um, its between two girls, um, and its been between Desiree and Amanda… Desiree has felt that there’s something negative in Amanda that she needs to stay away from… but Desiree and I are friends so it’s put me in the middle…. Because… Desiree’s confided in me… but… yet I don’t want there to be…. There was just different dynamics between the two, and I didn’t understand it, ya know… and I can’t be myself… I’m having a hard time being myself because I’m worried about them…”

Really Kacie B? You feel like you’re being PUNCHED in the FACE because Desiree and Amanda are keeping their distance from each other? You don’t think you can be yourself because Desiree told you she’s not a fan of Amanda?? COOL PLAN KACIE B, YOU REALLY THOUGHT THAT ONE TRHOUGH.

Wait... can we just forget I said anything? I'm like, really drunk

Wait… can we just forget I said anything? I’m like, really drunk

And then Sean calls her a crazy person. Mehehehe.

Moving right along, AshLee receives the next one-on-one date, but right before Sean arrives, Tierra takes a tumble down the stairs and steals the show.

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Whether it’s a conspiracy or not, Sean takes the bate and goes outside to console her. Its too bad AshLee can’t do what any woman would do outside of this situation and yell at him for cheating on her. Instead, she handles it like a true contestant and screams into a pillow until Chris Harrison throws a candle at her head.

Sean’s date with AshLee is at Six Flags amusement park, but he didn’t have the decency to give AshLee a call and say, “hey AshLee, maybe don’t wear a dress that will reveal your asshole if you slightly lean forward, and try to avoid wearing heels that you wouldn’t want to spend the ENTIRE day walking in.” Poor AshLee’s vagina probably touched at least 30 seats, and her toes are probably… well she probably doesn’t have toes anymore.

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Two young girls accompany their date that both have a chronic illness. They ride the rides until dark and AshLee proves to Sean that she is capable of being nice to sick children for one day, and therefore she is sooOoOOOoo compassionate and nice and sweet.

After that, AshLee and Sean get some one on one time to talk about THINGS. AshLee drops an a-bomb when she says “I definitely want to have as many children as my husband and I decide.” Talk about a complete twist… I mean most women will do anything they can to deviate from the decision that they decided on. AshLee delves into her history of adoption and foster homes and abuse, and how she found true love from her new family. And Sean is so much of a sweeties bear that he cries and now I lurve him. But it was also kind of a turn off… I’m just torn.

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Back at the mansion, Sean arranges for Sarah’s dog to visit her since she was excluded from the volley ball game due to some circumstances… Tierra pulls Sean aside at the cocktail party to talk, but their conversation is interrupted by Dezmond, but then Tierra pulls Sean away again. For a leasing consultant, she sure doesn’t like leasing Sean out, har har. Lesley “I already have a rose” M steals Sean from Tierra, and then Robyn steals Sean from Lesley M, and then Leslie H steals Sean from Lesley M. Talk about Leslie on Lesley violence, heh. And then Kristy “I look really ugly with a sock bun” Kaminski steals him from Leslie H, and then Kaci “I’m wearing a really slutty dress that looks like work out clothes with an equally ridiculous hair style” B pulls Sean away to try and mitigate her drunk ramblings. Then AshLee Frazier and Selma “I let a blind person pick out my dress” Alameri sit down, and interrupt Kacie B’s annoying voice.

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Finally, we get to see some ladies get sent packin’.

Chris Harrison: Come on Sean, its time to begin the ceremony

 Sean: Be right there- I’m almost done bleaching my eyelashes

The girls gather onto the judgment podium, but before they begin, Sean pulls Kacie B aside to send her home in private. I guess that’s a luxury reserved for people that get dumped on national television twice… Those that didn’t get the privilege of an intimate execution include Kristy the ugly model and Taryn the fitness cougar.

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Who will be sent home next week? Will Kacie B ever find anyone to love her, despite her voice, and family, and personality? Does anyone besides me think that Lesley M kind of looks like a Ferbie? Only time will tell.

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