Bachelor pad – 8/20/12

Chris lies in bed with Sarah and cries about the fact that Ed and Kalon lied to him about not voting Blakely off. In a fit of psychotic rage, Chris throws a handful of rose petals in Kalon’s direction, and asserts his status as a grown ass man to Ed. Ed gets up from their fight and throws a glass on the floor, completely unaware of his inadvertent foreshadowing.

The next morning, the contestants go outside to find two tables holding mounds of cups and saucers. The competition is called “The great fall of China,” and the contestants have to stack and balance the dishware on a tray while walking back and forth between the tables.

The ladies make the first attempt at extreme tea partying while the boys stretch their pinkies. Blakely is doing the best because she worked at Hooters for 35 years, and Erica is mad because ABC doesn’t design any challenges for people that aren’t good at anything. Everyone keeps making it close to the end and then dropping their trays, although, the real challenge seems to be avoiding cuts from all the broken cups. The United Cup Conservation Society is not going to be happy about this.

Finally, Blakely and Sarah are head to head, and Sarah wins it. Then, in an astounding turn of events, Sarah is disqualified for touching the top of her dishes to balance them. Blakely ends up winning the challenge causing Chris’ penis to fall off and shatter in the huge pile of glass.

Tony wins the competition for the boys despite Blakely’s encouragement technique of talking in his ear non-stop, thus causing them fall in love. Blakely chooses Tony to go on her date, so Tony decides to give his rose to Kalon, who obviously invites Lindzi on his date.

Lindzi and Kalon drive a Bently through town and end up on an outdoor bridge under a chandelier. Kalon tells Lindzi that he’s in love with her and he actually seems really nice. Lindzi tells Kalon she is glad she got to see a different side of him and replaces those three magic words with a kiss.

Jaclyn is with Ed, Rachel is with Michael, Blakely is with Tony, and Lindzi is with Kalon. Perhaps Erica and Nick will find love in a hopeless place.

Blakely and Tony get to drive a jeep all the way to the top of a mountain only to find a poorly decorated campsite. The two of them enjoy a smorgasbord of trailer park delicacies and some awkward conversation. Blakely even expresses her tepid fondness of Tony. Upon their return the next morning, everyone asks them if they did it.

Right before Tony is about to reveal who gets his rose, Chris pulls him aside and tries to get him to give the rose to Sarah, despite Blakely’s commands. Tony, being a faithful minion of Blakely’s vagina, gives the rose to Jaclyn, just as planned.

Ed announces in front of everyone that he has no romantic interest in Jaclyn and that she only makes a good partner in regards to the game. She looks like someone just hit her across the face with a bag of onions, hence the red cheeks and the tears. Jaclyn sits outside with Ed afterwards as he tries to break her heart as kindly as possible while she cries.

Chris Harrison reveals a new twist in which the girl that gets voted off will be the sole determiner of which guy gets sent home. Michael decides that Erica must be sent home. The hope is that Erica will think it was Chris’ idea, and she will eliminate Chris. Chris is aware that the plan is to send Erica home, but he seems to think he is safe.

Jaclyn tells Erica that Chris is going to vote her off, even though Chris told Erica he’d vote off Lindzi. Erica confronts Chris about his lie, but he sticks to it. Erica goes back to Chris and tells him that Michael and Nick also told her that Chris is voting her off and promises to eliminate him if she gets voted off. Chris again pulls Erica aside, and votes Lindzi off right in front of her to prove his loyalty to her.

During the elimination, Sarah, Rachel, and Lindzi are safe. Erica loses and brings Michael down with her. Rachel’s heart vomits as Michael is hauled away, and Erica bangs her plastic gavel one last time. Justice is served.

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