Bachelor pad – 8/13/12

The episode begins with Chris Harrison interrupting everyone in the middle of their orgy and surprising them with surveys to fill out as part of the next competition. They have to answer questions regarding who in the house is the ugliest (Jaclyn), who wears the most crowns (Erica), whose nostrils are the most uneven (Jamie), and things like that.

Chris Harrison takes everyone to the backyard the next day and they are greeted by a game show set. This week’s competition is called the Bachelor Pad Game show. Clever. The girls go first, and are asked random trivia questions about pop culture and ghosts of bachelor’s past. Sarah seems to know the answers to all the bachelor questions including which bachelor contestant had a foot fetish. Queue loser sneeze.

During the “Guess who said that” round, it is revealed that Nick said Blakely has accomplished the least in life, duh, and Kalon said Erica would be a bad parent because she eats her hair. He said ‘parent,’ but he probably meant ‘person.’ She responds by chewing on her hair.

Despite Sarah’s inexplicable knowledge of irrelevant bachelor contestants, Jaclyn wins it for the ladies and is now safe for this week’s elimination. Rachel loses, which is actually kind of like winning, because it means she knows the least facts about societal rejects that she’s never met.

During the men’s round, it is revealed that Blakeley has had sex with at least 36 men, Jamie called Jaclyn a fake, manipulative liar, and the Blakely called Jamie annoying. This is the first thing Blakely has said that makes any sort of sense. Ed somehow wins the challenge for the men, and David loses.

Jamie immediately starts crying to all the guys about how she doesn’t have an alliance in the house and her stupid little life in general. Michael gives her a hug, and Kalon tells her that it’s all going to be okay, because in his own words, you’re supposed to pet a dog’s head while you put it down.

Much to Sarah’s chagrin, Jaclyn picks Ed for her date. They go to the Dodger’s stadium and Jaclyn can’t resist the way Ed’s buns looks in those red booty shorts, or the way he carefully places one foot directly in front of the other when he runs. They roll around in the grass giggling and then sit down for a picnic of hotdogs. Since Ed won his own rose, they have to give the rose to another guy in the house.

Jaclyn wants to give the rose to Kalon but Ed wants to give it to Chris. Meanwhile, Jamie tries to seduce Chris by dancing in her bikini in front of him like a moron. She ends up getting him to go to bed with her.

Things Jamie said
– It seems different this time, it doesn’t seem like he’s playing any games.
– I really feel like I can walk into a room and be like that’s my man, you girls might want him, you might chase him, but he’s not going for you.
– It’s so wonderful to have someone care about me, it’s such a good feeling.

Things Chris said
– When I kiss Jamie, there’s no spark.
– I’m playing a game here.

Jaclyn and Ed end up giving Chris the rose, and he invites Sarah to go on his date. Blakely tracks Chris down before the date and tries to make him promise that he will be her partner til the end. He basically says no.

Is Jamie upset that she spent the whole night with Chris and he asked Sarah on the date? Of course not; Jamie explains that she and Chris are super attracted to each other and Chris only chose Sarah because he feels guilty and doesn’t want to hurt Blakely’s feelings. That’s the great thing about him, he’s loyal and that’s so attractive. She says that Chris is protecting her from Blakely, and he’s risking an awful lot by doing this and she loves feeling protected. Queue twilight music.

Sarah and Chris get to make an action movie on the roof of a parking lot. Sarah does a roundhouse kick into Chris’ face wearing a small dress and red underwear. Best. Date. EVER.

Chris Harrison stops by the bachelor pad and hands a rose to Ed. Since Chris didn’t win the competition, Ed gets to pick the girl he wants to save from elimination. Ed gives Rachel the rose because she and Michael are in a sort of alliance with him.

During Sarah and Chris’ date, Sarah makes her own rose out of a strawberry and a fork, and although it counts for nothing, it was very resourceful and you can’t put a price on ingenuity.

Chris and Sarah make out in a hot tub and she straddles him in a way that elicits thoughts of Binya Binya from Gullah Gullah Island. Then they get a hotel room for the night. Blakely and Jamie have a little powwow where Blakely tells Jamie that she isn’t interested in Chris anymore because she can’t trust him.

Jamie can’t wait for Chris to come home so she can tell him the good news that Blakely is no longer interested and they can finally be together. Jamie gushes about what a loyal and respectful guy Chris is, which are qualities she wants in her husband. She twirls around as she fantasizes about Chris coming home and telling her he missed her.

Um, Jamie is the most embarrassing person I’ve ever met, and I haven’t even met her.

In an effort to not get eliminated, David tries to convince everyone to send Nick home instead of him. Wait… Who’s Nick? Chris tries to get all the guys to vote against Blakely, but in doing so he tells them his plan to build his alliance between Sarah, Jamie, and Erica and his plan to make it to the end. Kalon tells Chris that he will 100% vote Blakely off, but then he votes Jamie off, thus breaking Chris’ trust.

In the end, Jamie and David get sent home. Jamie confronts Chris about the way he treats “these girls,” and he pretty much embarrasses her really bad. David cries on his limo ride home because his elimination is the saddest thing he’s ever had to endure.

Will Chris betray Sarah like he did Jamie and Blakely? Will Blakely ever donkey punch Chris in the neck? Will David ever rise from the ashes?

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