Bachelor Pad – 7/24/12

Chris Harrison stands in front of the bachelor pad and welcomes America back to the madness. He starts off by announcing which bachelor veterans will be inhabiting the pad, but ABC has added an interesting dynamic this season; They’ve invited some “fans” to participate on the show and compete for the grand prize; Love. And they’re also competing for $250,000. It will be interesting to see how the 15 A-listers interact with the six commoners.

Next, Chris welcomes some familiar faces. First to arrive is Chris Bukowski who was rejected byEmily Maynard in the most recent season of The bachelorette. He’s got his sites set onLindzi Cox, who was dumped by Ben Flajnik most likely for spelling Lindzi with a Z and an I. Lindzi shows up next and is greeted by Chris. Ed Swiderski, the winner of Jillian Harris’season is also back, but ended up with a broken engagement because he couldn’t keep his pants on. It appears he hasn’t learned any lessons, made apparent by his naked canon ball into the community pool. Nick Peterson fromAshley Hebert’s season shows up next.Then there’s Rachel Truehart, another one of Ben’s rejects, and a woman named Sarah Newlon from Brad Womack’s first batch of bachelorettes.

Ryan the 32 year old virgin who doesn’t drink from DeAnna Pappas‘ season shows up, so that’s fun. Then there is Ried Rosenthal, who was dumped by Jillian. Jaclyn Swartz, another one of Ben’s rejected concubines is back, and she wants to find out if the reason she can’t find love is due to her face or her personality. Proboscis monkeys are known to be very temperamental so perhaps it has something to do with both. Next is Tony Pieper, one of Emily’s scraps who is most notable for his unsettling imitation of Kermit the Frog. Blakely Shea the VIP cocktail waitress turned esthetician is also back and is as crazy as ever. There’s Jamie Otis, the awkward kisser from Ben’s season, and Michael Stagliano from Jillian’s season. Erica Rose from Lorenzo’s season. Who the hell is Lorenzo? And why did Erica use the term “Houston social scene” to describe her beef with Kalon? Remember Kalon McMahon? The helicopter riding child hater from Emily’s season? Well he’s back, and he’s here to ruin your summer.

The first fan to arrive is Donna Zitelli, the sassy brunette with an ass the won’t quit. She announces her crush on Michael, and her plan to go in and have a good time.

The next fan isChris Bain, the SWAT team guy. Then Paige Vigil, the star struck fan who is accused of having bad fashion sense. The next fan is David Mallet. And then the twins Erica and Brittany Taltoswho are playing as one contestant. It turns out Brittany hooked up with “The Situation” and Erica hooked up with Deena when the Jersey Shore cast was in Italy. Fame whores on a mission.

Chris Harrison announces that the contestants will have to partner up and compete in tomorrow’s competition as a couple. Ried asks Paige to be his partner, because “read page” just makes sense. Erica partners with Nick because she doesn’t want to be with any fans, it would be like sleeping with “the help,” as she puts it. Chris and Blakely partner up, and she threatens to “donkey punch him in the throat” if he messes up. No pressure. Jaclyn partners up with Ed who is passed out naked in the hottub because apparently he was the only one left. Kalon pairs with Donna, Lindsey partners with Tony, Sarah partners with Michael, and the twins are with Dave.

The competition calls for the partners to get into a heart shaped pod. They are lifted above the ground, and then the pods are tilted and the couples have to try their hardest to not fall out. The first couple to “fall from love” is Erica and Nick. Then the couples start dropping like flies. the top two couples are Brittany and David, and Paige and Ried. Erica is on the sidelines channeling her “twinegy” to sister Brittany, which must have worked, because they win the contest. Winning means the three of them get immunity from the elimination round, and they get to go on a date. A date with three people, two of which are sisters? Completely normal.

They go to a boardwalk and ride roller coasters and carousels and ferris wheels, while comparing each ride they go on to a date from bachelorette’s past. The most disconcerting part of it is that David is making all of these comparisons. To cap the night off, they run into the ocean to emulate Ben and Courtney Robertson’s date. Brittany is the only one that actually gets naked, staking her claim as the “slutty one.”

Back at the pad, Blakely continues to threaten Chris to the cameramen. Jamie pulls Chris out of the pool and brings him into a room to make out. Who could blame Chris for wanting Jamie after seeing her seductive kiss with Ben F? Blakely catches wind that that Jamie and Chris are hooking up in private and she is not okay with this. Not because she likes him, but because she doesn’t want her partner to be distracted. So basically partnering with Blakely means you’re not allowed to make out with anyone. Blakely interrupts Chris and Jamie mid kiss and tells Jamie that she’s changed, and for the worse. Blakely starts to cry due to all the betrayal that is happening, claiming her role as the most unstable one in the house, and in the world.

David tries to rally everyone to get rid of Erica, but he tells everyone how he plans to get to the top by eliminating all the veterans first. Erica catches wind of this plan, because David actually told her, and she responds by calling him an ugly loser and tells him that his plan won’t work. She very eloquently adds, “Have a nice day, I’m going to make your life a living hell, so enjoy that.”

Michael breaks the news to Ried that all the guys want to vote off Paige, Ried’s newest love interest, thus igniting Operation Save Paige. This consists of Ried trying to convince the majority of guys to vote off Erica instead of Paige. So far they have four votes in their favor, but they need to get two more votes to save Paige.

Kalon tells Ried that he’ll vote to kick Erica off, leaving only one person left to persuade. But then Kalon tells Erica and everyone else that he’ll vote to kick Paige off. Then he tells the camera that he’s just telling everyone what they want to hear, so no one really knows what his plan is. Paige’s destiny is left in the hands Chris the SWAT guy. Ried tells him the plan to get Erica kicked off, but Chris is conflicted because his desire to send home Erica would be going with Dave’s plan, and Dave screwed him over by telling everyone else their plan.

Lindsey, Chris B, Sarah, Ed, Rachel, Ried, Jaclyn, Michael, Jamie, Kalon, Blakely, Ryan, Donna, Tony, Nick, and Erica; All safe.

That means Chris the SWAT guy must return home to watch the Bachelor while drinking wine in his flannel pajamas, and Paige and Ried will have to endure the heartache that comes along with being torn asunder from your lover of eight whole minutes.

Who will be sent home next weekend? Will Blakely get a refill of her Xanex prescription? Will Erica ever wear and outfit that doesn’t match Brittany’s outfit? Will Ried ever love again? Just waste two hours of all your Monday evenings to find out.

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