The Bachelorette – 7/22/12

Ladies and other ladies, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: The self-proclaimed most dramatic television event of the summer has finally arrived. Emily will choose the man she is destined to be with for the next three months or so. And what would the exciting penultimate moment of Emily’s choice be without a three hour lead up time? That’s right, this episode is three hours long.

Emily reunites with Ricki for a dip in the pool, and then meets up with her parents Susie and David. Jef brings his A-game in a white Fruit of the Loom undershirt for his first encounter with the entire Maynard clan.

He chats with the family for a bit and then sits down with Susie for some one on one time. It turns out porcelain veneers run in the family. Susie sounds like she has smoked one too many cigarettes, but she seems to like Jef. Although, it’s hard to read her emotions through all the Botox she’s injected into her forehead.

Jef sits down with Ernie (Emily’s brother) and asks why none of Emily’s past relationships have worked out. Ernie says that Ricki (Emily’s former lover) was perfect, and no one has lived up to him, except for maybe Jef, who everyone seems to like a lot.

Arie meets Emily’s family the next day, and for some reason, they do not seem as receptive to him. He rambles on for a bit, “I hear it’s best to go fishing during overcast… I liked Croatia the best… I came into this not knowing what to expect… I brought you guys this box of all these dead roses I’ve saved…” Oh Arie, How did you know?

The family seems to warm up to him after a while, and it turns out Susie has the same problem as Emily; She can’t pick which bachelor she likes the best.

Dave grants Arie permission to marry his daughter, and both parents use the word “doggon” while talking to the contestants. Just saying. Emily hopes that her family can tell her which man she should pick, and seems genuinely upset that they can’t give her an answer. Her father tells her that it’s impossible to love two people at once, and Emily disagrees. In all this mumbo jumbo, one thing is apparent; Emily inherited her large ears and even larger ear lobes from her mother.

An emotional Emily leaves her parents’ house more confused than ever, and sets off to pick up Ricki from Chris Harrison, who is probably babysitting her.

Emily goes on her last date with Jef before the final rose is given. A dressed to the nine Jef pulls out all the stops in a grey Fruit of a Loom undershirt. They sit on the beach, and Jef tells Emily that he’s not nervous because he feels so sure of things. She tells Jef that she doesn’t know if she wants to introduce him and Arie to Ricki, and they discuss her pending decision. They go back and forth about this a little, although, Jef’s quiff has some rogue peices flapping in the wind and it is a little distracting.

Emily makes a spontaneous decision to introduce Jef to Ricki. His first view of Ricki is through a door and a window of her hanging onto a bridge over a pool attempting to do some pull ups. Jef throws on some pink goggles and dives into the water.

Ricki giggles a lot and the two of them seem to hit it off. Jef chats with Ricki while she sits on Emily’s lap, although, maybe Emily should be sitting on Ricki’s lap. She seems big for a six year old.

Ricki gives great reviews of Jef and wants him to come back the next day, and even floats the idea of a threesome, but Emily turns her down. As Emily and Jef sit together on a couch, he whips out a gift. It’s a book… That’s always the worst gift to get. At least he drew little stick figures of the two of them in it. That kind of makes up for the fact that it’s a book.

Chris goes to Emily’s quarters to ask her a few questions before her date with Arie, and she explains that she thought she’d know who she was going to pick earlier on. Chris claims that he is so happy for her, but that is a lie, he is heartbroken, because he loves her. Emily cries when Chris mentions Arie, and the “shocking” part of the show happens when she admits that she loves Jef and she doesn’t know how to tell Arie.

Meanwhile, a witch doctor greets Arie at a garden and he picks some flowers to grind up and turn into love potion. Looks like he is actually going to need it. Emily pulls up in a black SUV and walks up to Arie to speak the unspeakable. “Look at this love potion I made! Hehehe!” an excited Arie says, oblivious to Emily’s sadness. She tells him she doesn’t know what to do or say, and the rest is hard to understand because she is trying so hard to hold back to tears. She starts off by saying “I don’t know anymore,” rambles on for a little, and Arie begins to understand what’s going on.

Emily tells Arie she thought it was going to be him all along. Too bad she just told Chris that she had no idea who she was going to pick the entire time. Arie gets up and walks away while Emily is breaking the news. She chases him, but Arie tells her she’s not going to get the goodbye that she wants. He is kind enough to give her a hug, and then she walks the trail of tears with him to his getaway car.

Arie almost makes it the whole car ride without crying, but then he breaks.

A wave of melancholy sweeps through the studio audience. Chris speaks to Ashley of Ashley and JP who are sitting in the audience, and then talks with JP, Deanna, and Michael from past seasons. Then Ashley Spivey from Brad’s season pops up in a white dress that fits her like a glove. It might actually be a glove, for babies.Thank god for their insightful input.

Jef is shown picking out a ring for Emily. An 18 karat square diamond ring with diamonds all around the band is the winner. It’s rumored that ABC paid for it. Jef combs the beach in his bright blue peddle pushers moments before the rose ceremony, reflecting on his love for Emily.

Emily dresses in a ball gown and stands on a platform that looks like a back deck surrounded by flowers. Normally, the bride to be is waiting on a cliff overlooking the ocean, and they probably should have stuck to that format; The patio looks kind of pitiful.

The show’s setup always seems a little odd when the regent bachelorette has to grant the bachelor permission to propose to her. Emily should be the one that proposes to avoid the awkwardness. Jef spills his heart to Emily, and the viewers are inundated with close up shots of Jef and Emily’s faces. It becomes apparent that Ricki’s face looks like a composite of Emily and Jef’s faces, which is weird, but convenient.

Jef hops down on one knee and shows Emily the rock. She takes a long pause, appearing like she might say no, but then says yes.

Emily sits down with Chris in front of an audience to talk about everything that happened. Her eyes seem to sparkle more than the average person’s do, but she has a very obvious ponytail crease in her hair so… win some lose some.

Arie comes out and sits right next to Emily. He looks good, although hair dye and stage makeup might have a little something to do with that. He talks about what a shock it was to be let go and how strong his feelings were. Emily apologizes and talks about how Arie made her laugh and was everything to her, but that she had more confidence in what her and Jef had… Like…. What does that even mean?

Arie reveals that he flew to Charlotte to see Emily, but he changed his mind once he got there out of respect for Jef and Ricki. Instead of standing on Emily’s driveway and ripping out his beating heart from his chest like he originally planned, he ended up just leaving his journal that he kept on the show on Emily’s doorstep. Emily says she didn’t read it out of respect to Arie and Jef, and that it wouldn’t have helped anything. Arie admits that he hoped Emily would have read it and changed her mind about her final decision.

Arie’s final answer; He’s happy for Emily and Jef, and he wants to find love for himself.

Then Jef comes out. He tells Chris what he loves about Emily. Among the list; funny and witty… hmm. Jef talks about his relationship with Ricki and how fun it’s been. They replay the video of Jef proposing to Emily while showing a live video of Emily and Jef ’s reactions to the video in the corner of th screen. Emily looks at Jef a lot for either eye contact or a kiss, but he can’t seem to take his eyes off the video of himself.

Jef says that he’s taking Emily to Africa to do some charity work, and announces that he’s decided to move to Charlotte because it makes the most sense for Ricki.

Basically, this televised event wasn’t that dramatic.

Congratulations Jefily.

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