The Bachelorette – 7/16/12

Emily sits down in a one on one session with Chris Harrison to discuss her journey with some of the bachelors. First under the microscope is Ryan; He won the “first impression rose” for his inexplicable tan, but then earned himself the less acclaimed “douchebag daisy” when he told Emily that he wouldn’t be attracted to her if she gained weight. You can’t handle the truth!  Don’t worry though; he made up for it by calling her a trophy wife. Wait, that’s not a compliment? Weird.

Next up is Kalon. He referred to Ricki as baggage, and Emily’s blood hasn’t stopped boiling since. She ever so eloquently sent him packing with a big, “get the f*** out.” Then they get to poor Doug, who made America’s cheeks turn a lovely shade of crimson when he tried to kiss Emily on the lips while she was in the middle of dumping him.

Joe is the next topic of conversation, but no one really remembers him so we’ll skip that part. But who could forget Mother Hen Travis who made Emily sing a song to his unhatched daughter Shelly before tucking her into bed? Probably a lot of people. Lastly, they discuss Chris, the pierogi lover with weak dance moves. Hated to see him go, except not.

Coming from someone that watched every single episode of the Bachelorette this season, a surprisingly small amount of the bachelors on the panel are even remotely recognizable. I mean… who are they?

The brethren of the council begin with confronting Ryan for putting himself on a pedestal. Then Kalon is criticized for being there for the wrong reasons. Not everyone trusted his authenticity, and as one nameless bachelor puts it, “it’s like he’s writing sonnets every time he speaks.” Although, that hardly sounds like a bad thing.

Kalon is first to sit down in the proverbial hot seat with Chris Harrison, and they discuss the issue of Ricki. Kalon claims he didn’t realize that he didn’t want a stepchild before he went on the show. Chris tells him that it would have been more noble of him to bow out of the competition once he found out the bachelorette was Emily, and the overly involved audience seemed to agree. Honestly though, how many people would actually miss their chance to be on TV because of a kid? Hypocrites. Chris asks Kalon if he feels apologetic for saying to Emily, “I like to hear you talk, but not until I’m finished.” The verdict: No regrets.

Next in the hot seat is Ryan. Despite all his worldly gifts, Emily ultimately gave him the axe for wanting different things out of the relationship, leaving him in shock. Women aren’t hard to figure out, they just want someone with a normally shaped beard. Chris asks Ryan what the line is between arrogance and confidence. His answer is that confidence is deserved; Arrogance at its best.

Sweet tank top, bra

An admittedly scared Chris Lambton makes his way to the stage next. He awkwardly hugs Chris Harrison, who thanks him for getting things off to a weird start. Chris L doesn’t understand why Emily dumped him because he told her he loved her. What Chris L doesn’t realize is that if Emily had to date everyone that loved her she’d never get any work done. He tells Chris H how much the rejection hurt and explains his anger was just his passion for Emily. He further  showcases his entrapment in a glass case of emotion when he goes on to say that we are here now and we could be gone tomorrow, and he’s lost a lot of friends along the way. Que tears. How this is relevant is left to the imagination of America. In the end, he says Emily made him a believer in love again.

Up next in the hot seat is Sean. They recap his unexpected (to most people) dismissal and make him relive all the pain; Still no tears. How does he do it? He talks about how he was surprised when he was eliminated, and how it made him feel inadequate. But, in the end, Sean too is hopeful for love. If there’s one thing Emily knows how to do, it’s teach men how to love again.

Last but not least, Emily comes out in a skintight red dress that would make any straight woman question her sexual orientation. Emily and Sean exchange some nice words, and Emily asks, “what girl wouldn’t want Sean?” Well, obviously you, Emily. Emily ousts Kalon for being “full of BS,” and confronts him about a rude tweet that again referred to Ricki as baggage. Kalon’s response is one of humility; he is flattered that Emily follows him on Twitter.

Emily leaves us with a recap of the remaining finalists, Arie and Jef. First is a montage of Emily and Arie’s journey; man those two like to make out. And then there’s Jef, who was, as they say, too cool for Emily. Or so she thought at first. Their montage is an actual recap of their relationship’s progression, not 50 make out scenes in a row. Did ABC do this on purpose? Choose wisely America, your vote will determine Emily’s fate.

Who will Emily grant permission to propose to her in the finale? One week until the answer is revealed!

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